It's not a "mean" smugness, kind of an "I like this" smugness?

I think I know the trait. Have a cook friend who is like that.

It's more pleased than smug

I guess

I don't know, I have this crushing, overshadowing doubt

You'll always get that until you have some kind of definition for what it is you're dealing with.

It's uncertainty

It sucks

I hate it

I worry about it regardless

can't help it

it's a rollercoaster

best thing to do is distract yourself a bit

don't ignore it entirely, but find something you can do that you'll lose yourself in for a little bit to give yourself a break

Can't really do that because my brain does shit I don't want it to

look at the body like a horse

Some of them, there's just shit they're going to want to do, and you just have to figure out how to train it to be what you want it to be.

Body more so feels like a shell and I'm a tiny person or completely detached and just observing this corpse go on autopilot lmfao

All kinds of things in play training people to be all kinds of things. Better to take that into ones own hands.

sounds all to familiar^

Dissociating doesn't feel good lol

the past few years have flewn by

trying to figure out what the fuck to do

not knowing

not having much a reason to care

getting older makes me want money because bodies break down, but that's about all for really

I have a lot of mental shit going on that I can't really control; a couple nights ago I had really bad nightmares/night terrors about this guy I like

The kind where you throw your body around in your sleep and go in and out of consciousness and cry in your sleep

Haven't had one of those in awhile

subconscious stuff is tricky

It sucks, but that's just how it is

I'm gonna sleep

Night

you can get your fingers into it, but it's tricky

night^

https://steamuserimages-a.akamaihd.net/ugc/862857581987248582/B0D230D143C48A5306E07654415D19076C45F069/

I just realized what today was. It's been exactly 11 years since my grandpa died.

It's kind of upsetting to think about, not just because he practically raised me himself, but cause of all the stupid stuff we would bond over. Just going fishing and laughing. Working our farm, reloading ammo, etc etc. He always was afraid that the country would go the way it is, a sort of shitty dystopia with backassward ideals. I'm glad he didn't get to see how everything turned out, but I do wish I had him around for guidance.

I guess, just having no living relatives, is equally shitty. My grandpa raised me to be tough, and never accept help from no one; and I see people all the time who don't deserve free shit while I have always struggled with finances; while being demonized as the source of the worlds ills. I'm certain, with my upbringing, even without 4chan and the redpills, I would've still ended up being blackpilled.

I'm just tired. Felt like sharing, I guess.

It's hard standing on your own. Having to find your own answers all of the time. Not having anyone to rely on. Always having things expected of you. At a certain point you just have to give yourself a reason.

For me, I know what I gave myself very well could be BS. But it's enough to keep me invested. It's not something that can ever be taken from me. In the event that I am sitting there staring at nothing but despair: I still have something to anchor myself with.

Taking the black pill tonight boys, got dumped

@Busto Go to the gym

Damn, sorry to hear