Hello all, going thru ugly divorce here. Really could use any advice. Just found the subreddit and now this discord.

We are in the states and I am currently unemployed so my funds are limited. I mainly need to figure out which divorce attorney to go with.

Also, does anyone have any idea , in order to keep attorney costs down. If i can try and negotiate their fees?

I know this sounds a bit out there, but I have some professional expertise which one of the attorney's looks like he could really use. I'm wondering if there's any chance or if it's even allowed to exchange my professional work in exchange for his somehow - prob on separate contracts.

Ok, thanks for you input. Couldn't find anything online.

About to consult with yet another attorney on the phone, getting pretty tired of talking to lawyers.

Still consider them to be buncha selfserving leeches that prey on the emotionally distraught

hey all, appreciate the help. i'm feeling overwhelmed. i've tried to read up and watch any videos regarding dissolution/divorce. i feel like i know a lot more than i initially did but still not sure what to do at this point.

i've read as much as i could from the men's rights subreddit and mentioned to one established divorce attorney (38 yrs experience) how the family court is biased against men. he denies that is the case. is it not in any attorney's best interest to agree that the system is stacked vs men?

hey @IsmELlyOuJoHN , thanks, i just started educating myself and am new here too

i'm looking into the possiblility of free legal aid since i qualify as low income, anyone have success goiing this route? or is it very much you get what you pay for? i can't even afford these high retainer fees

i almost felt like giving up today b/c i saw my ex today and thought maybe we can talk this out without getting expensive lawyers involved, like work out dissolution or something

well i was advised not to speak to her so i avoided communicating with her at all

i mean thats what all the attorneys suggested to me during free consultation, but isnt it in their best interest to avoid having me resolve this with my stbx without their aid?

ok well i must have been misinformed by someone at the municipal courthouse. i was told i can get legal aid due to low income but after calling around i'm being told there's no such service and i'll be lucky to obtain a divorce attorney pro bono

these last two months have been a nightmare.

@InsaneCaterpilla I was recommended that site, just haven't gotten around to it. But thanks all the same.

I'm looking into borrowing money to get at least a decent attorney since I keep reading you get what you pay for and not to do it on your own.

Does $2000 and $250/hr sound reasonable for an established attorney? 38 yrs experience

Ya, it is low but maybe I found an honest lawyer (if there is such a thing) and he seems to think my case is straightforward. Plus he actually charges $300 but he said I'd be mostly working with an associate (less experience) for $250.

Hey thanks for all the great advice @Dan da Dad , i been pretty much doing this all on my own. I been researching non-stop, some of the info appears to contradict or confuse me, so ya i think i need to hire an attorney who knows the local intricacies of famiily law.

And also thank you mods for putting this place together and the sub if you did that as well. I felt totally isolated and lost and you know all the emotions that come with separating. So i really appreciate having a community like this.

I'm shocked how one day your spouse telling you she loves you blah blah blah and the next day they are you're worst enemy

fuck, she'll get what she deserves in the end

yup mine cheated too, i been faithful 9 yrs

you able to take care of yourself @Dan da Dad , get therapy if you can

was she abusive to you in any way?

ok man, sounds like you on your way to a better place

i mean she could also have been emotionally, verbally abusive. mine, i'm starting to realize was very much narcissist

So i was rereading the "list" and a lot of it is valuable but some of it seems a bit extreme and not something i want to get into personally. of course, they say tailor it to your needs. but i'm interested in anyone's else take on the "list" which also was started in 2005 - so are a lot of the "rules" still relevant today?

@Dan da Dad hey i had a question regarding recordings because i plan on using some recorded convos with my stbx - i live in a one party consent state. can her attorney ask for all of the recordings or will i be able to offer only recordings that i deem applicable as evidence?

I've had so many wasted trips to the courthouse and parking is a pain to say the least. I'd get their and stbx would ask for continuance. I'd be so pissed off.

screw this legal system is broken

@Dan da Dad i have a ip camera that is continuously recording and its got endless recordings, too much to go thru. i have some important days that are applicable but i have a ton of extra footage which i cant remember if there was anything but i haven't done anything wrong to the stbx but there might be footage of us smoking weed which i'd rather not share lol. still illegal in my state

Ok, thanks. Any reason why I shouldn't delete older irrelevant footage? Can the court come to my house and confiscate all my recordings? I think most of the older footage has already been recorded over since the camera deletes older footage to make room for new. Also, it's in a format that makes it difficult to go through, what a pain.

So i'm pretty new to this scene. But I'm seeing the injustices against men especially in family court. I admit I only became aware once it started kicking my ass and became personal. Are there any petitiions i can sign to help men's rights?

I'd like to contribute as much as I can but my time is limited with this divorce , mostly filling out affidavits and other paperwork.

@Men Are Human thanks for the advice, i have so much evidence already on the stbx. I learned early on to record everything once she started making fake domestic violence calls to the police.

ya anyone that visits my house will think i'm overly paranoid or creepy but gotta do to protect myself from crazy.

i have some very affordable recording devices i'd like to share as well.

i'll post in mensrights

oh ya and during a free consult with an established attorney (40yrs experience) i mentioned how the family court system is biased v. men. and how there's a movement and documentaries. and he doesn't believe this bias doesn't exist and said it just sounds like a bunch of angry men who didn't get what they wanted in their divorces.

i meant he doesnt believe there is a bias

i think i threw in a double negative there

oh man, i just starting reading here and it appears i'm not alone. right now my stbx is attacking me on her social media. false accusations and alleged dv (which i was never charged for). and my dumb naive ass was feeling sorry for her and thinking of actually calling her to see if we can end this amicably. but she's not holding back and even posting pics i had absolutely nothing to do with and some even look photoshopped! I really don't give a shit about her what her social media army thinks of me but now i realize she wants to see me suffer as miserably as possible. i'm shocked but i should have seen this coming.

i been looking for support because i feel clueless and now i know how i naive and stupid i've been. i don't have anyone for any emotional support which i am embarrased to admit as a man. but so be it. my parents are only thinking of how embarassing this is to the family or how much this is gonna cost. my friends are far away, married. i tried contacting an extended family member going through something similar and i got good advice but also i seemed to have made him very upset and maybe embarassed.

ok, i just tried get support via chat on a site offering support and now i feel even worse than before. and i suspect bias against me as a man

on social media?

i'm trying to avoid further confrontation or provoking her in any manner because she is extremely vindictive and hostile - not only to me but to just about everyone that slights her, real or imagined

i thought maybe there was some chance to speak to her and try somehow to avoid an expensive divorce because we are both right now in debt with no income. but she seems very determined to want to see me suffer as much as possible

i am concerned that she will falsely accuse me of DV from these pictures she took years ago. is that a possibility, no police reports or witnesses. just photos, some of which are obviously photoshopped or i had absolutely nothing to do with

?

i went from amicable and possibly affordable dissolution to potential drawn out hostile divorce and bankruptcy in a week. wtf

and now this fabricated, public shaming

My best buds were cats but I'm not good with cat litter maintenance

Hmm, divorce channel does not seem very popular. I can understand, such a horrible process, can't wait till it's all over. I got charged $50 just for an email exchange, fml

@Maxthx that sounds sketchy as hell, with the secretary? How did they itemize it on your bill?

Wow, why is this practice still even legal? Pls tell me you were exaggerating @Maxthx. Unless my math is messed up which happens a lot that's $9600/hr

Fuck that, okmy bad

Ok that's how my attorney charges

I been using email exclusively, read that's the best way to do it. That way I can carefully select my questions to ask and send all at once

Fuck that man, anyone wanna start a law firm with me?

Anyone else having memory issues and is absent minded more than normal thru their separations/divorces?

I'm in my late 40s so I can't tell if it's age or something else, but I thought I read this happens to people going thru such difficult times.

Ya, I'm not being entirely serious, just shocked and angry at this racket, call me naive. But fuck it, someone get an online law degree and I'll be your fucking secretary that gets paid $80 an hour for 30 seconds of bullshit

I heard it happens to ppl stressed out like in Divorce. I will look all over for some banking statement my attorney asks about for example. Finally find it and put it somewhere so I can find it later. And then poof, it's no where to be found. Or I'm wondering if I looked at it wrong initially because now it's completely disappeared! Going totally mental.

hey all, so my attorneys sent a proposal to my stbx and if she agrees, we can both put all this behind us in 30-40 days i'm being told.

so then i get my latest monthly bill asking for even larger retainer?

wtf, if we are about to wrap this up, why do they need even more money?

i'm about to drop these fucking leeches and try and talk some sense into my wife

ya i know and she was really angry at me

posted on social media that she will do w/e it takes to see me broke and homeless

how's that for a nice fuck off

thing is i could be splitting our meager savings with her instead of being financially raped by these lawyers

i'm so fucking pissed now

ya i took screenshots of everything, until my therapist told me to stop looking at her hateful shit which was stressing me out

there's possibility of defamation case but not worth it since she has not money. but they told her to remove her posts b/c all this public shaming can prevent me from getting work

hey good for you man. any good news is awesome news here.

i have a potentially stupid question. only b/c an attorney actually implied it - didn't go with him btw

but since my ex is building up massive debt which i could potentially be responsible for paying, should i not give zero fucks and just max out my credit cards as well. i already know its dumb but shit if she's going to go for broke might as well too. that aforementioned lawyer was like if anytime is a good time to spend money, it would be right before the divorce is finalized - something to that extent

ok, i knew it didn't make sense. just needed reminding why, plus i think i drank half my braincells away in my youth

i've been spending very little , only what's necessary. but i just wanted to splurge a little on gaming and some new shoes. a minor blip compared to what she's spending. thnx

@Night Terror that's what I'm actually doing now. I just need new shoes that's all.

yup, thnx for the divorce advice mate

i swear to fucking god these fuck lawyers. They make me think my case is cut and dry in the initial interview and now because they need another retainer it's a lot more complicated.

I'd rather share the rest of my savings with my ex then pay these fucks another cent