LOL I predate the internet.

Because I wanted to write a one sentence paragraph :D

Dang ok

But for me it's kinda overwhelming, esp when ur trying to introduce me to the world

lmao, that opening sentence just got longer

But really, I remember having to analyze an essay that was easily three times the length of that that was one entire sentence with nothing except semicolons commas and one period

I always found the idea interesting

If it makes you feel better this isn’t going to be the opening to a novel or anything it’s just a section that I have yet to place other than knowing it will not be the start or the end

If it comes after a scene/chapter break, this is still the placement into the scene -- and I think it does a good job, but it could be slicker.

Like if you imagine how it would be read out loud, where you'd get the emphasis/pauses/breaths

I'm down for another sprint if anyone wants to join? <:ExcitedPepe:781198443665424424>

```In spite of the afternoon sun, the markets, mainstreet, and alleys within Fort Leer sagged low, damp with the weight of the breathless, hungry, and exhausted.```

Like, that would be my editorial suggestion to slick the sentence/reading, but keep the mood, which is strong, it's still over worded imo which breaks the vibe of what sucks you in

Gotcha

Wordiness is a definite weakness of mine ^^’

@MofoDoggo I'm down for some but tomorrow

I'll be down in just a bit.

Also I promise that the pics of handwritten pages is only temporary!

WHAT. THIS ISNT HOW YOURE GONNA PUBLISH IT?!

It’s just all I can do at the moment except tap away on my phone xD

Ok... only if u promise ;-;

I mean I can still hand write chunks if that’s preferred

```Two expended and beleaguered men shouldered the burden of their lordship's cart, careful lest they disturb their cargo;```

Do you see the pacing changes?

Yeah. And I started to read it back to myself and definitely saw what you meant

Or rather, felt, because I only got 2/3 of the way through before I had to stop and catch my breath properly

```In spite of the afternoon sun, the markets, mainstreet, and alleys within Fort Leer sagged low, damp with the weight of the breathless, hungry, and exhausted; two expended and beleaguered men shouldered the burden of their lordship's cart, careful lest they disturb their cargo; behind the cart, more guards, marching in steel footfalls; their presence was a promise: anything more than watching would be rewarded with a trip to the dirty ground;```

Personally, I mustered the energy to read the first few lines and then lost it, my eyes started to wander. I guess I just dont like being introduced to a setting in this way, where the narrator is depicting what's going on. I like a more personal, action-filled, paint the picture as you go kind of approach. Like for example, maybe one of the peasants steps out of line like trips or something and one of the soldiers treats him ruthlessly. Show dont tell you know.

Ahah, yeah. The reading out loud test is a lot of how I check pacing and dialogue, but I trained in theater, so I look at inflection and pauses for delivery and it helps a lot with finding where readability struggles.

But I really like the voice in the piece, it's very, very strong and is going to do really well to pull of the continual sentence and the drawn out, never-ending vibe

Okay, so I’m still at least mostly on track

And @DisneyChick I did plan on a tension build where some of the tribute falls from the cart

Though this is more going to serve as a setup or Chekhov’s gun so to speak

For sure. I think you're very on track. I think what I'm catching is a lot of what will come out when you revise/edit for voice/pacing.

I mean yea, but I think the problem is the way in which you introduce the setting. It's just boring.

It's a cool settling, but boring way of introducing it

Yup. That’s something I will be amending.

Or addressing rather

Like I said, this isn’t going to be the opening to the book, rather what Kirk is getting at and an establishment of a people’s plight within the setting

But I will definitely take more steps to keep it from reading like paint dries xD

Right, but even still, show dont tell is 99% of the time the better option