Like, that would be my editorial suggestion to slick the sentence/reading, but keep the mood, which is strong, it's still over worded imo which breaks the vibe of what sucks you in

Gotcha

Wordiness is a definite weakness of mine ^^’

@MofoDoggo I'm down for some but tomorrow

I'll be down in just a bit.

Also I promise that the pics of handwritten pages is only temporary!

WHAT. THIS ISNT HOW YOURE GONNA PUBLISH IT?!

It’s just all I can do at the moment except tap away on my phone xD

Ok... only if u promise ;-;

I mean I can still hand write chunks if that’s preferred

```Two expended and beleaguered men shouldered the burden of their lordship's cart, careful lest they disturb their cargo;```

Do you see the pacing changes?

Yeah. And I started to read it back to myself and definitely saw what you meant

Or rather, felt, because I only got 2/3 of the way through before I had to stop and catch my breath properly

```In spite of the afternoon sun, the markets, mainstreet, and alleys within Fort Leer sagged low, damp with the weight of the breathless, hungry, and exhausted; two expended and beleaguered men shouldered the burden of their lordship's cart, careful lest they disturb their cargo; behind the cart, more guards, marching in steel footfalls; their presence was a promise: anything more than watching would be rewarded with a trip to the dirty ground;```

Personally, I mustered the energy to read the first few lines and then lost it, my eyes started to wander. I guess I just dont like being introduced to a setting in this way, where the narrator is depicting what's going on. I like a more personal, action-filled, paint the picture as you go kind of approach. Like for example, maybe one of the peasants steps out of line like trips or something and one of the soldiers treats him ruthlessly. Show dont tell you know.

Ahah, yeah. The reading out loud test is a lot of how I check pacing and dialogue, but I trained in theater, so I look at inflection and pauses for delivery and it helps a lot with finding where readability struggles.

But I really like the voice in the piece, it's very, very strong and is going to do really well to pull of the continual sentence and the drawn out, never-ending vibe

Okay, so I’m still at least mostly on track

And @DisneyChick I did plan on a tension build where some of the tribute falls from the cart

Though this is more going to serve as a setup or Chekhov’s gun so to speak

For sure. I think you're very on track. I think what I'm catching is a lot of what will come out when you revise/edit for voice/pacing.

I mean yea, but I think the problem is the way in which you introduce the setting. It's just boring.

It's a cool settling, but boring way of introducing it

Yup. That’s something I will be amending.

Or addressing rather

Like I said, this isn’t going to be the opening to the book, rather what Kirk is getting at and an establishment of a people’s plight within the setting

But I will definitely take more steps to keep it from reading like paint dries xD

Right, but even still, show dont tell is 99% of the time the better option

👍

Either way, I like your writing style. You sound like a professional writter

I disagree with this.

A good story is a mixture of show and tell at the right times

Telling is only ever right in the interest of time

I’ll probably spend the next chunk of time that goes into this specific section on showing rather than telling. And thanks! That’s higher praise than I deserve, seeing as I’ve got nothing published to my name

I disagree, but that's going to be a stylistic difference. I'm just bringing up the disagreement because I think too often it's used as advice that's a more or less catch all that's not necessarily accurate in a lot of situations... It is accurate in many situations for sure, but it's not as accurate as some might suggest.

Addendum: there are parts that I definitely want to show as opposed to tell

And you can say that, but as for me, too much telling will bore me, and I dont have an abundant supply of patience for it

I understand that.

See previous comment for more detail

IE the Guards, the faces, and at some point the action