Today was the coldest day of the year.

ok

What do you get when you crossbreed a rhinoceros and an elephant:

Elephino.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
||Screamed her hands off.||

How dads decorate the bathroom:

I run a protection service for rodents...I don’t advertise it though, I rely on word of mouse.

Everyone is talking about civil war like it's some terrible thing but I don't understand why. Isn't it good to be civil during a war?

If a liberal is choking tell then tell them there's 2 genders. The force at which they'll propell hot air through there throat to yell at you will be more than enough to dislodge any debris

Is there a 7-letter word used to imply uncertainty?

Perhaps...

The police are after me for stealing a futon...I’m currently lying low.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
||break her fingers (oof!)||

<:CursedEmoji:763140778770825247>

<:CursedEmoji:763140778770825247>

Added visuals for my daughters favorite joke at 3 ears old.

https://youtu.be/maAepWFvb0g
Aight, normally I do a meme, but this is an amazing video full of dad jokes.
Enjoy 😊 (btw mods its all clean no cussing)

In honor of those who serve in the Senate and House of Representatives, they've released a new gun called the Congressman. It doesn't work, and you can't fire it...

One baby says to another
"Yeah, this is my new crib. I like it, although my previous one was wombier"

What do you call a divine fish? Holy Mackerel.

what do you call a dead french general?

Napolean blown-apart

Did you hear about fruit drink pirate?

He sailed the High-C’s

I have an uncanny ability to predict what's inside a wrapped present.||You might say it's a gift ||.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub but it is a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering!

I know a joke about paper!
||Never mind...It’s tearable.||

I also know a joke about vacuum cleaners.
||But it kinda sucks.||

Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Ok, here goes;

Good jokes consist of a question answer format.

Bad jokes start with "Hey, wanna hear a joke?" And then not caring if people want to hear it or not.

A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

Real life moment: I had to call a customer today. I asked, “Is this John Smith.” He responded, “Yeah, it’s Me.” So I said, “Well hello Me, is John available?” And Me did not laugh.

My neighbour spent all day yesterday laying out turf in his front garden. Then last night someone stole it...He's back out there now, looking forlorn.

Mineshaft: ||What a German guy calls his pp||

something will turnip

and then ya throw a turnip at em