Happy new year folks

Late

I thought about going on an all almond diet to start 2021. But now I see that that’s just nuts.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Where does almond milk even come from?

||Do almonds have nipples?||

~~This provides a whole new meaning of nutting~~

Lmfao

Why was Helen Keller’s leg hello?

||Her dog was blind too||

Today was the coldest day of the year.

ok

What do you get when you crossbreed a rhinoceros and an elephant:

Elephino.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
||Screamed her hands off.||

How dads decorate the bathroom:

I run a protection service for rodents...I don’t advertise it though, I rely on word of mouse.

Everyone is talking about civil war like it's some terrible thing but I don't understand why. Isn't it good to be civil during a war?

If a liberal is choking tell then tell them there's 2 genders. The force at which they'll propell hot air through there throat to yell at you will be more than enough to dislodge any debris

Is there a 7-letter word used to imply uncertainty?

Perhaps...

The police are after me for stealing a futon...I’m currently lying low.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
||break her fingers (oof!)||

<:CursedEmoji:763140778770825247>

<:CursedEmoji:763140778770825247>

Added visuals for my daughters favorite joke at 3 ears old.

https://youtu.be/maAepWFvb0g
Aight, normally I do a meme, but this is an amazing video full of dad jokes.
Enjoy 😊 (btw mods its all clean no cussing)

In honor of those who serve in the Senate and House of Representatives, they've released a new gun called the Congressman. It doesn't work, and you can't fire it...

One baby says to another
"Yeah, this is my new crib. I like it, although my previous one was wombier"

What do you call a divine fish? Holy Mackerel.

what do you call a dead french general?

Napolean blown-apart

Did you hear about fruit drink pirate?

He sailed the High-C’s

I have an uncanny ability to predict what's inside a wrapped present.||You might say it's a gift ||.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub but it is a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering!

I know a joke about paper!
||Never mind...It’s tearable.||

I also know a joke about vacuum cleaners.
||But it kinda sucks.||

Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Ok, here goes;

Good jokes consist of a question answer format.

Bad jokes start with "Hey, wanna hear a joke?" And then not caring if people want to hear it or not.