I tried to warn my now deceased son about the dangers of Russian Roulette.

It went in one ear and out the other.

https://youtu.be/Ev373c7wSRg

https://youtu.be/btvSE6tVHzQ

The most sinister thing about postal ballots is in places like california, they have vote harvesting which is basically where a 3rd party organization can go to a care home and collect all the votes.

Dad always used to say: ‘the best bit about the fight was the make-up sex.

Great dad, terrible boxer

Turkey continues search for survivors after earthquake.

I thought they used dogs

They say chameleon’s blend in well, but this smoothie tastes terrible

Knock knock

"who's there? “

“dishes"

"dishes who? “

“dishes the ghost of Sean connery"

You murder one pizza delivery man, then you have to murder another pizza delivery man - that's the domino effect

Did you know that you can hear your blood move through your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely.

I remember my first tour of Afghanistan... Every day the enemy would fire gallons of mayonnaise at us.

Yup, life was tough in the hellmans provence.

Daniel Radcliffe has joined the criticism of J K Rowling over her remarks about transgender issues.

I'd call it a witch hunt, but he identifies as a wizard

As a newly qualified vet, I’m now permitted to treat animals.

Tonight, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.

What do you call a man with an irate cat on his head? Claude

I honestly don't know how devout Muslims can follow all the rules of the Qur'an. The one in our corner shop can't even follow the rule of 'Multi-pack: not to be sold separately.'

I was feeling miserable at work, I had to clean up the work surfaces with bleach when I spilt some on my Arab co-worker... I coulnt help but laugh.
It really lightened Mahmood.

discord speedrun bans are a thing

I know this might make me sound big headed, but I can't get my fucking jumper off

I've accidentally swallowed invisible ink. ||I've called the doctor but he can't see me||

I've just lost my job as an ice cream tester. ||I couldn't do sundaes...||

The inventor of the crossword puzzle lives near me. ||He's three streets across and two down.||

I really, really hate those bleach blocks that people put in toilets. ||Sorry - I just had to get that out of my cistern.||

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s. ||Worst prostate exam ever||

There's a new TV show on tonight about origami. ||It's paper view||

My mate Dave reckon's he can tighten a tire lug nut just by sitting on it. ||Personally I think he torque's through his arse.||

It is my sad duty to report the death of my grandad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice. ||Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences.||

Why is the North Korean dictator so evil? ||Because he has no Seoul.||

I used to be in a band called "Waxed Paper Circle". ||We covered The Jam.||

I bought a $6000 home cinema system. However when I try to watch any war films it shuts off. ||Turns out it's a conscientious projector||

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejeykll

I went along to one of the BLM riots and looted myself a 65-inch telly...Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I like to see the bigger picture.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth ||Now when I speak, I have a weird Axe scent||

To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop,I don't know how you can sleep at night.

The Russian scientist whom found the cure for the common cold has died.|| RIP Benylin Forchestikov||

My wife was reading one of her magazines and suddenly asked me "What's nasal sex?" ||"Fuck knows, " I replied.||

I'm a member of a secret society for Cypriot cheese lovers. Or, as it's better known, ||the Hallouminati.||

A local Potter has been charged with murder after multiple victims were found in his oven. ||police believe he went on a kiln spree||

sound warning

I'm torn between a dad joke and cursed image, so putting it here to play it safe.

I had my leg X-rayed at my health check today - the doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'

I asked "inch high knees?"

He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高

https://youtu.be/7ILTTL8HNMk

Mutes are practically unheard of.

My neighbour's daughter was killed when she was swimming under a rotted-out dock that collapsed on her. ||She ultimately died of pier pressure.||

Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar - ||Demerara||.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit. ||We’re going to go on a date next week||.

Propagating.- ||What a Jamaican calls two men holding hands||.

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,|| then soviet||

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6Pjbtk_EeQ

How do you milk sheep? - release another iPhone

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.... If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere

Guys, the inventor of the asterisk just told me his online banking password.. Its * * * * * * *

Sound warning (probably)

why do cows have bells ? ||Because their horns dont work ||