Ok, @MofoDoggo The dialogue is sometimes unclear as to who is saying it. (This is a huge fault of mine, lol. Most writers do this I think.) I knew who was saying it because of the characters being introduced right next to it, but it still felt ambiguous enough to warrant a bit of editing. Fortunately, that's a really easy fix. There's also some grammar issues. This is going to sound bad, but I'd recommend taking an English Composition class. I attended one last semester and my writing improved tremendously. We used a book called "The Elements of Style" and it basically explains everything we learned in my English Comp class; it's free on Google I believe.
Tense is the biggest issue, as is mine. Whenever you use the word "would," it shifts from past to future tense. (I don't know how to write that grammatically correct; RIP)
I'd also love to see the opening start with some more danger. The battle is won by page two, and while opening it up with the victory might work, it felt really sudden.
This is also an odd detail and one that I forget to do as well, but the Legates seem very one dimensional. I'd love to see a couple of them get their own characters and personalities; especially the one that is referenced to first and the one who notices that the General's leg is missing. Is he young? Is he scared? Or is he stoic? Is he scrawny, strong, determined, or ready to flee?
