Be honest though

Hold on; I'll post mine as well

I think I have it just about finished as far as a first rough draft goes

Do post, I want to see what others are like

It's really rough. I'm also toying between having these kids be older or having them be actual children. I just don't want it to be creepy - they're far too young for any serious romantic shenanigans.

I want it to be more in line with the "romance" Tom Sawyer has with the girl behind the schoolhouse - they don't understand it and are simply pretending. Innocence is key.

(bad example but the best I can come up with)

It's also a children's story where magic is a thing

Nice, are you writing this in the terms of like a "plau"

Or movie

As it looks similar to a script

Film! It is, lol. Done with Trelby.

I'll post the *very* beginning part of my story. So far I have 146 pages written and am in the process of almost completely redoing the beginning

*Also - these kids are part of a circus. He's a magician and she's a clown. Sort of.*

What did you guys think of mine though?

It does look very cool!

I'm reading part of it

Also, MofoDoggo, I was able to read yours. I like the worldbuilding. I like all the different fantasy races and I think it gives off a DnD feel (although I've only played DnD a few times so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about) but I like that, and I'm a real sucker for fantasy.

However, I don

Sorry, not finished

stupid enter key

Thatd actually be a good example to use

However, I don't know how to critique much of the story thus far just because it's in the middle of a war. I haven't read many war novels so I don't know if this is typical or what you were going for, but it is a little slow moving. But, like I said, I haven't read many war novels. It was also hard to know whose PoV it was and I wasn't sure who the main character was (I guessed it was Jackson from what you said earlier but in the text it felt like the MC was the general)

However, the second chapter you did a much better job of this and Kaylin felt like she had a distinctive voice and I could immediately tell it was in her PoV

All in all, I'm excited to see where the story goes and I'm glad you posted this excerpt

Give me a sec to read yours, dastenhero

Ok, @MofoDoggo The dialogue is sometimes unclear as to who is saying it. (This is a huge fault of mine, lol. Most writers do this I think.) I knew who was saying it because of the characters being introduced right next to it, but it still felt ambiguous enough to warrant a bit of editing. Fortunately, that's a really easy fix. There's also some grammar issues. This is going to sound bad, but I'd recommend taking an English Composition class. I attended one last semester and my writing improved tremendously. We used a book called "The Elements of Style" and it basically explains everything we learned in my English Comp class; it's free on Google I believe.

Tense is the biggest issue, as is mine. Whenever you use the word "would," it shifts from past to future tense. (I don't know how to write that grammatically correct; RIP)

I'd also love to see the opening start with some more danger. The battle is won by page two, and while opening it up with the victory might work, it felt really sudden.

This is also an odd detail and one that I forget to do as well, but the Legates seem very one dimensional. I'd love to see a couple of them get their own characters and personalities; especially the one that is referenced to first and the one who notices that the General's leg is missing. Is he young? Is he scared? Or is he stoic? Is he scrawny, strong, determined, or ready to flee?

ack that sent too early

~~I'm a hypocrite though; I wrote an entire crowd in my piece without describing a single character aside from the names of the two main peeps~~

You have the battle thought out well and the details are down enough to convey what's going on, at least to me. I'm no military nut so it's great in my book; I'm terrible at writing battle scenes and you have a much better grasp at it than I do

I think the grammar issue is the least of my concern, I will read it over for what to change on past tense and who is speaking. As for the battle it is suppose to be the end of the battle. It's why there is a full charge of the legions.

Disclaimer: I'm the absolute worse person to give advice on writing romance so take my opinion with a grain of salt

Margo and Dmitri are cute, and I like that we can *see* that they love and care for each other rather than outright having Dmitri say "yeah i like really like you Margo" you can see in his actions and how he treats her that this is the case

However, I know you've been trying to figure this out, but it really is hard to guess how old these two are. The only description we get of them are their ages at the beginning, but that's it. Physical descriptions are important for screenplays too because you want to sell it to someone who will make the movie, and you want them to picture how it will look on the big screen while they read.

I don't know which would be better, to have them younger or older. I haven't read Tom Sawyer in years so I don't remember that relationship. But their relationship did seem a little odd though I can't pinpoint what it is. My suggestion is to reread the parts of Tom Sawyer with that romance and try to figure out what it has that is missing from your story and see if you can implement it

As for this, I am trying to make a duel perspective between Jackson and Kaylin. It's similar to a forbidden love romance, remember that small plot I wrote before?

It probably comes from the abrupt ending. She eats it up until he tries to kiss her, then it's over
And yes! That's a good idea!

~~I am the worst at writing romance in that I dated a girl once and it was the least romantic thing ever lol~~

Ay same lol

I can try my best at writing romance

Yeah! I'm assuming Jackson and Kaylin are Persons A and B?

I'm using duel perspectives too ~~actually i visit way more than two characters' PoV's help~~

The end of chapter 1, I'm trying to make it the first time they meet. Is when they are fighting each other, which is why I cut off the middle of the Skirmish

I've never actually dated anyone at all, the closest was this guy I met at my college's writing group who later joined YAF with me but he had issues he had to work through

But yeah, I'm struggling with not one... not two... BUT THREE FREAKING ROMANCES RIGHT NOW AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO AHHHHHHHH

it's fine i'll figure it out

You start describing people at the end of page two and I like that. I could see the dwarf like man in my head and it made the scene feel realer. I also like some of the world building as far as these groups go - the teenage boy grabbing the reigns was a nice touch because it solidified that the passenger was important enough to have a servant/footman??

Oh, I see

Ok I misread some stuff hold on