this is great!

It just needs clarity

i usually prefer not to use "suddenly" since it takes away the sudden effect and may be too jarring. but that's my personal style

I'd recommend a break like you do on page four where the battle shifts to the opposing side

It was hard for me to shift to the other side of the battlefield

I've been doing this with the clowns.
I haven't drawn Margo in over three years, though. She originally was an anime character with short blonde or red hair but I envision her as looking like Emma from Miss Peregrine's now. Dmitri looks a bit like Timothee Chalamet mixed with Dmitri from Anastasia. (I took the name and ran with it; both of their names are fillers right now.) Ironically, I irrationally lowkey despise Timothee Chalamet

But yeah, last night I ended up crafting the ringmaster based on what I wanted to draw

The battle is suppose to be short

It really helps me remember what their personalities are as well, especially when I use their costumes to convey who they are

I love the name Scipithone. I can't stop saying it

hmmmm, okay, so this part seems confusing to me because i think it seems like it's head-hopping

dressing Jackson in purple was a good idea

I now have a distinct mental picture of Jackson

idk if it's just the txt converter, but is this what appears in the original doc?

I love Kaylin's mysterious entrance. It makes chapter 2 interesting in that I want to pay attention to what she looks like underneath the grey cloak

i think there is a tense switch here. it should be "general grabbed his spyglass", not would

I am not the best on grammar, so I would say focus more on the story lol

no biggie. i'm terrible at grammar too

Is this high fantasy or low fantasy?

wait. the general was on a horse?

that looks cluttered, and it annoys me, and I wanna fix it.

Yeah, thought it was mentioned

;-;

it is high fantasy\

as it involves magic

like healing magic

Okay, should I involve Kaylin with the healing.

I was gonna have her related, as in a decedent of the Angel race

But I don't know

@Evelyn S. 🇺🇸 I love the colors that I'm conjuring up in my head from what you've written so far. It's exciting! Also, I already love these grandparents, especially Grandma Betty. I actually smiled at her witch cackle.

It almost feels as though it should be a film or a script - in a good way. The moment where Collin trips and the resident underneath looks up in confusion is humorous and I can see it visually in my head. Some of the events are a little jumbled together, though - the barrage lasts thirty minutes yet is glazed over in one sentence. There's also a lot of flash backs happening by page 3. The answer to why the dragons are attacking is seemingly mentioned on page 5 as well - it might be good to have someone mention it organically. It's as if they know why the dragons are attacking yet refuse to do anything about it. Perhaps Collin asks his grandmother why they don't just go check on the Heart of the Mountains first before they continue lobbing expensive sounding canonballs?

Lots of exposition

that's my main concern

the idea is so good. If I saw this in a film, I'd be smiling a lot. It's just...fun

(I have to go drive my little brothers a ways, so I'll be back soon)

Thanks! I’m glad you like the grandparents, they’re some of my favorite characters. After I finish this story I want to write a prequel about how they met

A lot of the same things you mentioned were brought up by other people too. I’m really bad with exposition, lol.
But you’re right, a lot of things are just kind of glossed over and I think it would be better if we could see their reasonings of why they don’t go the Heart of the Mountains right away, I didn’t even notice that
I really appreciate your critique and I’ll keep all of this in mind when I go over this section again!

(also, see ya soon!)

Is your story realistic fantasy or high fantasy like mine?

High fantasy

Oooooo okay

I like it so far

Thanks! I like yours too 😁

Thanks 🙂