Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf...

Just so you all know, brownies ARE a health food!! That is, if you count mental health...

How in the world do the police on bicycles arrest people?? "Alright, get in the basket..."

They say that you should test out your fire alarm once a month. Listen, I have tried, but it is simply costing me a FORTUNE in houses...!

I don't know about you, but my resume is basically just a list of things that I hate to do.

I told the doctor the other day that I thought I had athlete's foot. He looked at me and said, "I don't think you have athlete's ANYTHING..."

I bought a book on obedience seven years ago, but it turns out my dog sure is a slow reader.

My goodness, you know, these days I could just snap at any moment....like, seriously, with either hand...

People who sleep in socks must be very, very small...

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/728498363347107891/785698794321739796/image0.png

These are grate

Insanity doesn't run in my family. No, instead, it strolls through, taking its time to get to know each of us personally...

I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little each day...

When my wife asks me, "What do you think?" I think I really should have been listening...

I'm like Tom Cruise, I do all my own stunts--but never intentionally...

My cooking is so awesome! Even the smoke alarm cheers me on!

Listen guys, they say meat is murder...that's right, tasty, tasty murder....

Hey, if you're not part of the solution, you must be part of the team I work on...

you forgot a spot when you were cleaning it!!!

wow.... that actually made me giggle...

HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An argument started at my igloo house. It got so heated that the cops came and told everyone to freeze.

How to arrest someone 101:


Hold your wrist over them and said “You’re under a-wrist”

*Deep Sigh*

🙂

My dad bought a chameleon, my mom didn't approve, but my dad said he'd blend right in

Hi Smokie

I’m stealing that one.
I’ll take it by *force* if I must.

I’ll be a star in the war

Did you hear about the cat who wrote a novel? She called it romeow and Juliette

what do you call a hospital that cares for citrus fruits

lemon*aid*

You're getting a blow up doll?

Why does Waldo wear stripes? ||He doesn't want to be spotted.||