I'm 21, never been good with girls or been treated well by them

I had this hair brained scheme to ask out this really attractive girl in my church involving a self-addressed love letter and a bunch of Bible themed valentines last Sunday, and had told a few of my buds about it both to workshop the jokes and to goad me into going through with it. I'll be frank though, over time I started having zero faith in it working just because I'm not the most attractive guy and she was a stunna. So this was one source of anxiety, another came through when I realized that even if I was successful I couldn't have sex with the girl because it would be the "wrong thing" according to the church, and then couldn't masturbate without terrible guilt either both because it wouldn't be fair to her and would also against God, both massive additional sources of anxiety because I have high libido. I was freaking out, I joined this hook-up site because I was feeling the pressure and wanted to have sex especially since I'd still not had sex in 2 years, and ngl I was going to go through with it if I had gotten a good opportunity. I was losing my mind at work last Monday and I called my therapist (I've had depression on and off for 4+ years) and poured my heart out, and she said my idea to ask out the girl was bad because it had nothing to do with her personality or anything.

This is true, cause if I had found out she had a boyfriend/was talking with someone I would've just picked someone else to do it to. Basically I called it off right there, the following Wednesday I broke up with my small group at the church and had a horrible panic attack on the ride home, skipped night class, almost killed myself because until I crossed the threshold I was going to slice my arm open and bleed out in the bathtub. My dog ended up being there and I was able to cool off. Between the pressure of the church and the pressure from girls I decided if I was going to go on living I couldn't keep being defined by either. So I quit the former and swore to stop putting in special effort for the latter (as I had been going to social events and things just to try and talk to girls, been getting treated poorly anyway). Yeah, effectively this is MGTOW but I'm trying to be indifferent instead of bitter.

I'm wondering what my goal and purpose is. Before I had been doing life, working hard, for the prospect of a wife and family but now that I've said I'm willing to be single for the rest of my life I don't know what the fight is for. I'll be graduating summa cum laude from a big state school, job lined up, but I don't have a centralized goal anymore and am worried about what's going to happen going forward because I know if I don't come after the girls they're not going to come after me.

I've been drinking more than usual and listening to a lot of country western, barely doing my homework

dude how is sex or masturbation wrong?

Interesting. "Yeah, effectively this is MGTOW but I'm trying to be indifferent instead of bitter." bitter is kinda a phase for MGTOW, you'll notice most of the actual MGTOW personalities don't show bitterness so much. It isn't something part of the identity.

"I'm wondering what my goal and purpose is...now that I've said I'm willing to be single for the rest of my life I don't know what the fight is for" So that is an interesting question. Basically I'm fairly confident* there are two general options for you regarding the nature of purpose: a return to the Church (or some other religion) or one of existentialism/nihilism/moral objectivism. Investigate what is real, then pick what seems most likely true. Purpose will flow (or in the case of nihilism, not) from that. Objectivism and the Church may provide answers regarding purpose most readily, however even with those frameworks you will choose your goal with regard to your abilities -- for both ought implies can, and generally proponents of any of these frameworks would try to match people with something they would find fulfilling rather than a dry obligation.

* Naturally, the reason I can be confident of this is because I've more or less exhaustively listed out the philosophical options with regard to the study of human purpose.

..

That might not be super-helpful in getting to the meat of what you seem to be looking for: that is a measurable vision for a good life in the future, but it is a starting point with some terms you can look up

In terms of more practical things you may be able to engage in now: what little I've gathered suggests that feelings of purpose or purposelessness (in addition to thoughts about ultimate meaning that I addressed in my previous paragraph) can be related to attachment to a group of people. The questions to ask are: Do I have a group of people that are "my" people? Am I contributing to that group or furthering its goals? And am I recognized for my contribution within that group?

Finding possible answers to those questions and pursuing them can help in the near term as you ponder the nature of ultimate meaning.

I have better, more succinct advice. Your life will not improve until you recognize that religion is poison and all your fears and anxieties are rooted in a fantasy world.

hahaha

I emphatically disagree

Well I'm sure as shit not going back to the church

why not?

You don't get to pick and choose what parts you believe, like in a for a penny in for a pound lest you be a hippocrite

So while I admire the moral drive the guilt is not at all worth it

You sound like you need to read some Robert Anton Wilson. Or at the very least some of his quotes.

I'll look him up

@Crinkus That is very admirable indeed. However, as a Christian who struggles with lust, I would go one tiny step further and say that the reason you don't get to pick and choose is because a person doesn't choose what is true, but rather merely assesses what is most likely true. Additionally, I would note that the Church has a complex relationship with the concept of guilt (Romans 7), that tends to be rather oversimplified. Guilt/shame-binging is unfortunately common in Christian culture, but is not what scripture seems to teach.

That said, regardless of the nature of religion, my first bit of advice is entirely secular and largely drawn from secular sources.

@Bobby_Hill sex is some ass. I've never been interested in hooking up unless I do nofap, which is just to scratch an itch clearly. The enjoyment I get out of sex is from emotion, closeness, and being able to be vulnerable, but all of those things seem impossible with modern women lest you get seen as lesser. Masturbation itself isn't bad but I think we can all agree porn is awful for you. Over the past few days I've been more or less weaponizing masturbation just to control my libido

I disagree.

Nofap is a cult.

porn aint that bad unless its amature or hentai

Peddling pseudoscience.

professionally made porn is too fake for me

Also I was doing nofap because of the church before that Monday I broke down lol

I've definitely got my, er, niche, but you straight up get more depraved as you go on with porn

You sound like you're repressing desires that are already a part of your mind and personality.

You're not gaining anything. You're simply learning the desires that are already there.

Embrace it.

Aside from the whole masturbation question though, what about purpose and life plans more generally? I don't think anyone thinks human's sexual nature is more than a part of human purpose as a whole. And when trying to plan out a life, any questions about that is largely answered by the MGTOW-esque attitude towards romance that we mostly agree on.

MGTOW is a crock of shit

It's the male version of radical feminism

yikes, that's quite a view

Pretty much.

Avoiding women and the problems with society isn't gonna fix anything and is the most cowardly thing ever

Avoiding situations & circumstances that can be easily exploited by $hitty women, that I can understand.

Men who genuinely wish to avoid relationships and life life how they wish don't need nor want a loaded political ideology to dictate to them.

Which is what mgtow is.

It's a garbage, pointless, self-refuting ideology.

You'll have hard time avoiding all women & it doesn't seem to be a reasonable coarse of action for daily living.