What mind of support is this for exactly

buckle up

I'm 21, never been good with girls or been treated well by them

I had this hair brained scheme to ask out this really attractive girl in my church involving a self-addressed love letter and a bunch of Bible themed valentines last Sunday, and had told a few of my buds about it both to workshop the jokes and to goad me into going through with it. I'll be frank though, over time I started having zero faith in it working just because I'm not the most attractive guy and she was a stunna. So this was one source of anxiety, another came through when I realized that even if I was successful I couldn't have sex with the girl because it would be the "wrong thing" according to the church, and then couldn't masturbate without terrible guilt either both because it wouldn't be fair to her and would also against God, both massive additional sources of anxiety because I have high libido. I was freaking out, I joined this hook-up site because I was feeling the pressure and wanted to have sex especially since I'd still not had sex in 2 years, and ngl I was going to go through with it if I had gotten a good opportunity. I was losing my mind at work last Monday and I called my therapist (I've had depression on and off for 4+ years) and poured my heart out, and she said my idea to ask out the girl was bad because it had nothing to do with her personality or anything.

This is true, cause if I had found out she had a boyfriend/was talking with someone I would've just picked someone else to do it to. Basically I called it off right there, the following Wednesday I broke up with my small group at the church and had a horrible panic attack on the ride home, skipped night class, almost killed myself because until I crossed the threshold I was going to slice my arm open and bleed out in the bathtub. My dog ended up being there and I was able to cool off. Between the pressure of the church and the pressure from girls I decided if I was going to go on living I couldn't keep being defined by either. So I quit the former and swore to stop putting in special effort for the latter (as I had been going to social events and things just to try and talk to girls, been getting treated poorly anyway). Yeah, effectively this is MGTOW but I'm trying to be indifferent instead of bitter.

I'm wondering what my goal and purpose is. Before I had been doing life, working hard, for the prospect of a wife and family but now that I've said I'm willing to be single for the rest of my life I don't know what the fight is for. I'll be graduating summa cum laude from a big state school, job lined up, but I don't have a centralized goal anymore and am worried about what's going to happen going forward because I know if I don't come after the girls they're not going to come after me.

I've been drinking more than usual and listening to a lot of country western, barely doing my homework

Well I'm sure as shit not going back to the church

You don't get to pick and choose what parts you believe, like in a for a penny in for a pound lest you be a hippocrite

So while I admire the moral drive the guilt is not at all worth it

I'll look him up

@Bobby_Hill sex is some ass. I've never been interested in hooking up unless I do nofap, which is just to scratch an itch clearly. The enjoyment I get out of sex is from emotion, closeness, and being able to be vulnerable, but all of those things seem impossible with modern women lest you get seen as lesser. Masturbation itself isn't bad but I think we can all agree porn is awful for you. Over the past few days I've been more or less weaponizing masturbation just to control my libido

Also I was doing nofap because of the church before that Monday I broke down lol

I've definitely got my, er, niche, but you straight up get more depraved as you go on with porn

I'd like to say I don't wish to necessarily avoid relationships but I'm sick of changing myself/going out of my way to pursue them

If that makes me a beta faggot so be it

anyway thanks all