Message from @asparkofpyrokravte
Discord ID: 522293743655714818
"Our boys and how we are ignoring their worsening performance at school" ? That's more passive
"ignoring their worsening", ouch.
That doesn't have that urgency to it
Eh, that's correct grammar
Titles must evoke emotions
I agree it doesn't have the same urgency to it.
It is a bit of an interesting thing since we don't know for sure that boys' performance in school is worsening
"Our boys and the dismal state of their education system" "Our boys and the apathy of an education system that lets them down"... I'm kinda hung up on the "our boys and" thing lol, I like that opening
Nor is it universally ignored
Eh, *some* embellishment isn't a bad thing
"A Closer Look at Boys Lagging in School Performance"
I do feel that saying 'our boys' is better than just boys, it puts the reader in a position of ownership of them
it does
It is also a homophone when at the beginning of a sentence though
depending on sentence structure
"Our boys and" is fine, but "Our boys falling behind" isn't
So I'm somewhat reticent to say "at Our Boys Lagging"
Hrmphf
Anyways
Those are some ideas I/Hadashi can pick through
..
"Boys on average get lower grades in school compared to girls. This is almost universally true. There are several ways in which boys have particular issues with regard to schooling as compared to girls that cause this gap. What can be done about those issues? Well, it's complicated. There are some things that appear to be solvable or at least mitigated by school system, but some of the differences seem intractable, and everything is mired in politics. What follows is a summary of boys' issues with schooling, how those are being addressed, and hopefully a little of why those issues should be important to you."
..
Or is there some bit that ought to be improved still?
Minor nitpicks... Because Americans *do* tend to think about the US as the extent of the universe, I would put 'Throughout the world this is found to be the case' rather than universally true.
'By **the** school system'
Personally I think any of the titles work. But it does matter that it seems right to you specifically
Title atm: "Our Boys' Schooling Issues"
"Boys on average get lower grades in school compared to girls. This is true worldwide. There are several ways in which boys have particular issues with regard to schooling as compared to girls that cause this gap. What can be done about those issues? Well, it's complicated. There are some things that appear to be solvable or at least mitigated by the school system, but some of the differences seem intractable, and everything is mired in politics. What follows is a summary of boys' issues with schooling, how those are being addressed, and hopefully a little of why those issues should be important to you."
There are parallels between the title and the final sentence of the introduction. I am content-ish
And I'm also not opposed to doing more revisions
I think you've done a lot of hard work on it all mate and it shows :3
@Men Are Human Use revision 3 just above when you read tomorrow/today.
@asparkofpyrokravte will do
Just started reading. I'll highlight any bits I edit.
@Men Are Human Thoughts so far?
I kinda liked the intro to version 2 actually.
We could well merge it a bit
Not much, but a little.
sure
I'll have to see about it later, I've been kinda screwed over for writing this week. Had the landlord in ripping the house apart with masive wall-coring drill. It's like being stuck in a dentist. Lol
It's all done now, so I should be back on the horse today or tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to reading this properly