Ever since I've got back to the states I've felt empty as shit and even though I live quote 'The American dream' with home ownership and a beautiful wife, its like I'm living in a shitty groundhog day. I get up, and since I had a combat job I work a shitty job working with airplanes, get shit on by my boss for not knowing how to do every little thing, make less than my wife and have to watch her live my dream. I don't want to kill myself but I am hitting the bottle way to hard and I recognize it but don't seem to care enough to stop. We don't really have sex anymore and I find myself masturbating 3 or 4 times a day when I don't work and she isn't home, just to get a dopamine rush. I go to work drunk sometimes and nobody really says anything because they feel uncomfortable or some shit. I have one close friend now and even he seems to want out of my life, so I'm stuck sitting in front of a monitor hoping for validation from internet people. I've probably got another 40 or 50 years left, but sometimes I wish it would just end sooner. Now that I have time off most days I get up at like 8:30 and have my first drink around 9. Drink all day and then argue with the wife when she comes home. We haven't gone to bed at the same time in about a month and a half because of this shit. I'm afraid of losing my guns because the last time I went to the VA and talked with a psychiatrist she called my wife and suggested hiding the firearms, to which my wife let a friend take them for a couple weeks. The only time I feel truly happy is when my younger brother comes and visits and we go out and do shit, but he has to live his own life too and can't constantly come looking after me. I'm tired of not getting a full nights sleep because I wake up in cold sweats, and then falling asleep at random points during the day.

My office smells fucking terrible because raccoons were raised in it beforehand, no matter how much I try and clean it. I can't even muster the motivation to pick up the deadfall from around my yard. Firewood goes unchopped and my wife has become more like my caretaker it seems. Even hunting has lost its joy for me, because it just becomes another task. The buck fever I used to get is gone, and I simply line up whatever I'm shooting and squeeze the trigger, hoping it'll drop easily so I can go back home and sit in front of the idiot box for another hour with my drink. Sorry for all this fag shit, just something that's been on my mind for a while and you all are

some real niggas who also don't know me so maybe you can give me an outside perspective.

maybe im drunk

but

you're a man

you deserve way fucking better

you serverd in the fucking military for fuck sakes

you need to get out and grab life by the balls

go travel

start independent businesses

get your own money your own way

im not saying you gotta be wolf of wall street

but you gotta be fucking wild

you deserve way better man

you're a cool and funny guy

you don't gotta leave your wife or anything

but give yourself a little freedom

maybe cruise a little bit down the streets and feel the flow of freedom

you might be like

oh but that's not realistic

why not?

try! try and live and exciting life!

and that goes for all of you fucks

i know life can bring you down

maybe a girl/boy did you wrong

or maybe you lost a job

or you can't get a job at all!

learn a fucking skill. go on youtube and watfh a video one something that you think is interesting and that will make you money

this world is so fucking short, and i can feel myself rotting!

we need to take action boys

let's live life!

wooooooooo

also you don't have to be a douch to make money

we can make a living and still be kinf

kind*

I Should just stop existing v.v

<:PillBlack:465453395336101889> <:tricks:558624501605335040>

Sorry I wont bother you guys with my stupid shit

God damn fuck my life.

Idk where to start