@mcguyver123 it's honestly hard to tell.

I'ma bout to vent about it tbh ;

@INNYGMATYK that's what this is for. Self pity is a sin to the kube if you do nothing to help it though.

Tell us all about it, king

@mcguyver123 yeah - but I try to avoid *even* **sanctioned** self pity.

Alright.

So as most of you know or can infer or can guess, I'm going through quite a bit ( quite a bit I've set up for myself to go through - so don't worry, I got it ).

BUT. I've been living in the same spot for roughly, 4 years now?
it took a few months, maybe even a year or two, before I started dreaming about the area. I live in a town at the end of a peninsula ; one road goes in, that same road comes out. All other sides of the town are surrounded by water.

Now, up until 2 nights ago, all my dreams have been the same, or very close ( same run-away themes, same scenes, same people, just different flavor each night, or rather, each time I can remember ). It's almost *always* one of three things ;

- I'm waiting for a boat to catch a boat for a smaller boat to meet a smaller boat etc ( literally. I dream of going somewhere, waiting at a City-Sized ferry port, and after 2 or 3 different boat trips, I'm waiting onna""*pier*"" which is dead center middle of the water on some great big lake. I know WHICH lake - I know EXACTLY where in my head I'm pretending to be. But this lake features NO ferries or ""public transit"" boating. For the record : **I never get my last boat.**

- I'm travelling up and down, back and forth, endlessly, the peninsula. All 15 miles up the road innavic, and then I'm either sand-bombing beaches and crashing beach fires the way back. In some dreams I'm escaping or dodging people to get in to town to a specific spot. In others, I'm just going to every party up, and then every party down the stretch. Sometimes I'm hiding, or island hopping ( really distinct dreams of the nearby Archipelago being washed out and [ mostly ] ankle deep water - for some reason, I often have to check and touch every island as part of some weird patrol ). Even though town is much bigger IRL, my head always compacts it down to 2 blocks, and a shanty of shacks - but IRL it's all fancy houses. For the record : **I never know what the fuck I'm *supposed* to be doing**.

( I have broken the limit - here comes the rest )

Then there's this third fucking dream.

Now, if I haven't *already*, let me emphasize that the dreams I have ( and KEEP having ) about this place are painted with a **very** broad brush. Some nights it's in FULL color detail. Sometimes, what is actually a 2 mile drive annafuckaround dreams up as a whisp. I'm pretty sure that's how dreams go. But.

For the past 2 nights ( read : **The past 2 days where shit has been going down**, drama waise ) it's *vivid*

Any medical change? Medicine? Trauma? Someone introduced in your life?

- I'm not waiting for a boat or meeting any pier connections. I'm not travelling back and forth endlessly, up n down the coast. The other night is blurry, but I know that most of what I dreamt *last* night is a **repeat** of that *other* night. For whatever reason, I'm supposed to be keeping tabs on where who is when ( G o d . How I wish that were actually my job ). And when I get down to the beach, to call on some 2 persons we're missing, I find them. And it turns out our BBQ has to be dug out from the sand ( apparently someone was cooking last night, and left the grill for the over night tide). Fine. Whatever. I go back and come with a small ditsy shovel, trying to rescue it from this *perfectly straight **trench*** along the beach. I never know if I ever dig it out or not. . .

Ehhh - I've done some extra drugs ( psychs included ) that have shifted some big parameters in terms of how I see everything in my life rn, but nothing like, LIFE changing. Just notes.

No medicinal changes - drinking and smoking significantly less.
No new people - I mean, they're ALL *ALWAYS* new people in and around where I work - but no one SHAKING my core.
No new trauma - I mean, I lost a relationship of 2 years on - off - but that's not a surprise.

Anywhow.

Before I can verify or check or ensure that whatever I did at the beach was done, I bump into and meet ( at least ) 2 people done up like pirates. And they have a fucking GALLEY. and it's parked AT THE BEACH.

( MFR I swear I was supposed to CLEAN the beach for the arrival of this fucking GALLEON )

I'm not gonna get too in to details here, but there's a period of a few days ( in dream ) where I'm sorting out land logistics ( packing - running round - whatever else ) a

and then there's a long ass period about going off, and being with the people on this boat, and doing boaty things

There are parts I'm skimming that I can't remember right this second - but I swear, to the best of my knowledge, Squib is the captain.

And this is *The Boat*.

But I'm gonna be flashin through it in my head for a while looking for symbolism, now that you mention death. . .

I've had dreams about the river styx. To be honest I think it referenced change of life.

Welcome aboard crab?

idk man - sounds like my skittery ass needs to run around and sort out some land shit first. . .

The only reason I can think of this ship popping up all of a sudden is. . .

. . . There's not *as much left* that I have to get done. . .

Word. Could be. Maybe you've got stuff you want to handle locally, but feel like leaving too. Like.... you have obligations "at home" but want a change of pace too

Well, here's the fun part. . .

I pretty much ( and yes Kings, this is NOT how you do it ) sabotaged my relationship.
SPECIFICALLY to open up my future tbh.

I could have just left her - I took some much harsher avenues - but I really couldn't stay with someone who kept telling me about ""how excited they are to spend the next 5+ years together""

Nah bruh, I've had that option too. Sometimes it just happens that way. The sabatage.

Ah. It happens man. Done it in the past myself

Yeah. Exactly.

"" *Babe, I'm sorry, but if you don't like guns, and you won't grow your hair out, and you have a career in mind, then kindly let me go **b 0 0 l***. ""

But she wouldn't even let me talk about it. . .

Good choice to leave then

Things ( why am I rambling THIS ) fell off about a month ago, when I tried to come down on her ( HARD ) about how badly I needed my own space.

And she sort of just took it personally, said "You have a lot to process. And you need someone to talk to."

Okay.

*You're Not. WRONG.*

but that's one wild fucking way of saying "" I don't wanna listen to your personal shit anymore ""

Word

sounds like severe incompatibility if anti gun