I think a big part of the reason I am this way is that in my current life stage there is nothing I desire at all

there is no way to recombine the elements of my day to day life in a way that is at all pleasing to me

it's a fundamentally futile endeavour anyway

to mix and match

there is no scenario I can concoct in which commute, dress clothes, coworkers, boss, paperwork etc. becomes an enjoyable and fulfilling experience

you can't know what you really want when you're so focused on hiding from some discomfort

or dealing with some discomfort

therefore I do not even try and just become cycnical while scrambling for the exit

the #1 thing I want is no job

I'm not sure that would be fulfilling either

even if I have to eat nothing but lentils and sleep on bare plywood

in itself no, it will not

someone who is fulfilled is that way, to an extent, regardless of circumstance

but unlike job life it will let me be free to seek fulfillment

the party is still BYOB, but with a job I am not even invited to the party at all

again, I don't agree with your motivations, but it could work in some other way

the good life is not a puzzle in the sense of shifting pieces around

it's about the depths of a person's soul, and it can be found in extreme adversity even

or be absent in "complete freedom"

like say a true sociopath, no set of circumstances

will ever make a true sociopath happy

even total control over reality

they don't even know what satisfaction is, only dissatisfaction

it's like a blind man may not understand sight

but can still rue his blindness

I have been completely happy in the last 5 years

where I basically wanted nothing to change and was happy with my friends and life

that's a good start

welll, within the last 5 years

I can remember what it was like

PERSONAL HAPPINESS IS NOT THE QUESTION

SOCIAL STABILITY IS

HAVING A NON FAILING SOCIETY

PERSONAL HAPPINESS COMES THROUGH PURSUIT OF SANITY

that's a big part of it, yes

AND EVASION OF INSANITY

most of the reason I am so angry and think everything sucks so much is because I live in a society that encompasses the worst of capitalism and communism simultaneously, is ugly and filled with concrete and cars, and is filled with evil POC retards constantly drunk, high and sleeping around, and fat also

basically the pain in me is the pain of living in a dysfunctional time and place

it need not be that way though, which makes it less convincing

because you can realize all that and not be angry too

American society is a society of group enterpreneurship