I worry that I have no real identity other than a desire to be dramatically unlike others out of feelings of resentment

yeah

but the end result is "unstable personal identity," a hallmark of the personality type

you could reasonably apply that label to yourself

I realized also that I absolutely do the "splitting" thing, where a person/group/thing is put on a pedestal and then one day completely despised

you do, you also have supply

I do it quite often, but as that si a painful experience I noticed that I am extremely bitter and hateful largely because I try to just get it out of the way

i.e. find out from day one why I will eventually hate someone/something, and just hate from the beginning to avoid disappointment

you could say I "preemptively split"

makes sense

and this more recent thing

the whole thing about borderline personality disorder is a deep seated feeling of emptiness, so they do more extreme things to seek stimulation

same for NPD

the idea is BPD types are after approval

I noticed that over the years my interests, my humor, my expressions of love and hate, all become more extreme and quite honestly it is because I stop getting any kind of rush out of whatever I was doing before

true, although that is an optional criterion under DSMV

you have to appreciate

I reject these labels

I believe they are wrong

well yes, just like I feel about MBTI

and for the same reasons

you can find insight via the label BPD

but some of the people labelled BPD will be sociopaths

the male BPD is pretty much a unicorn

that's one of the biggest reasons I think it's a bullshit category

but here's an example - I had to drive into the city to take a big test which basically determines my future

it's basically the same problem, with sex differences

men and women have different psychologies

and before the exam started I was so bored I found a secluded area and started climbing shit and doing parkour, and actually cut my hand because of it

that may just be an aspect of your true self

but I think that does a great job reflecting it - even in the face of what should have been an overstimulating level of stress for a normal person, I was bored to the point I sought physically risky behavior

exaggerated due to your personality issue

which I think is pretty telling

it can be difficult to make a distinction with these labels

but I remember after I climbed what I was trying to climb, I felt a rush from the physical movement

between what comes from the "fake" and what comes from the "real"

and it felt good for a second

that seems true

also the rotations I enjoyed the most in clinical training were emergency medicine and the acute psychiatric floor and psych ED

precisely because crazy stuff was going on constantly

and it was always different crazy stuff

I'm glad we're having this conversation, I am very thankful you told me the above but there's a bigger issue I think (go on, don't let me interrupt you)

but I remember I really liked acute psych because people would scream and get violent and a bunch of security guards would run over and kick their ass and tackle them, and then we would run over and force medicate them

and I thought that was cool as fuck, but after like the third time it happened I was bored of it

and I wanted to see something crazier to happen

like I almost wished one of them snuck a weapon in there and then got crazy

so it would be fun again

do you think there's a problem with that?

yes and no

same here, yes and no

I mean the one DSM criterion I do not satisfy is that it would have to cause a problem

although there are people who absolutely would cause me problems, and the main reason they haven't is because I outsmarted them

don't go down the psych route, you will find insight from sufferers and victims

not psychiatrists or psychologists

to be clear, you're a sufferer

everyone else is a victim

I am not taking DSM crap seriously

good

I have a much more nuanced understanding of this stuff

I just thought it was interesting that I very nearly technically qualify for one of their little labels in their little manual

I wish I had a meter I could show you

of when you say stuff, how much it rings alarms in me

hahahaha

alarms like how

not alarms of danger

don't mind the term: inauthenticity

I used to ignore them completely because it was beyond a normal person

I worry that I have no real identity other than a desire to be dramatically unlike others out of feelings of resentment

you could say I say and do a lot of stuff just to cause a stir, because I get a rush from both the act and from the rise it causes

that's a good one

yeah @Deleted User 57835c2c , that would be apparent to anyone, but I think it's kind of a half way step

you're actually not that bad

I think you can salvage yourself

yarfy has it worse than me

that guy sounds very sick

it's not even about putdowns

about furry gayness or whatever

was he abused as a kid?

there's two big questions here:

"what am I going to do about this?"

and "why am I this way?"

the second is a derivative of the former

and "is it a problem"

I thought that one was settled.

you have to understand - with yarfy, he is doing the same thing

if you don't think it's a problem, you're on the road to becoming just a sociopath

he gets a kick out of causing a giant shit war

eventually you will have nothing except a gnawing abyss

you will do crazier shit

but it may not even satisfy transiently

he is the biggest cunt I have ever seen, he masterfully portrays himself as the most offensive thing in a way tailored to his target audience and completely innocuous

he does it in such a way his targets do not even know they are being trolled

they think he genuinely just is the most offensive thing they could possibly experience

I know better, I know what he is genuinely like, that's why he is my friend

I don't really know the guy, so I don't know what it means

you are his friend

is he yours?

I am not entirely sure that he has the capacity for that

but I am getting there

actually scratch that, yes