the realization that even those closest to you are capable of utter dishonesty

Uh

I think you should talk to her about it?

Yeah

It's clearly a problem

i mean it isnt hurting our relationship and i do love my gf its just something i think about a lot

Talk to her about it

the more you think about it the more you're going to think about it in the future

it isnt love or hate im feeling just loneliness because she was such a good friend for so long

best to interrupt the cycle when it's happening

think of it like exercising your free will

the thing is my current gf and her were like arch enemies when they were younger

and she still hates her

OK, but if you explain that to her that you value her as much as you do and don't want to upset/hurt her and that you're upset about it, she's going to understand it?

Like

i've thought that about things before and have been very wrong^

If she can't handle this type of conversation about how much you value her, and she gets angry/upset enough about it to compromise your relationship, it's not going to work out

that much is true

idk shes just kinda fragile and i dont want to upset her and i feel like itll go away on its own because i havent been thinking aout her as much recently and it was just this engagement that reopened old wounds

fragility fades from facing hard shit

idk man emotions are high atm

to protect someone from everything deprives them

Yeah, you don't get stronger from shit if you're not exposed to it

well the thing is shes faced enough hard shit in her life. her family situation was fucked up and her grandmother who she had to live with is a royal bitch that shit talked her her whole childhood and made her self esteem drop to negatives so ive been having to prop her up and make her feel good about herself since we got together and i dont want to erase that progress by making it seem like she isnt what i want

I understand your want to.. "protect"? your gf from nasty stuff especially if she's fragile

But at the same time, if you want to boost her confidence and self esteem, you need to be able to trust her with rough shit

i know but i dont want to make her feel bad because i hate when she cries

At least that's how it goes from my personal experience with my own bullshit

she would do anything for me and i dont want her to have to deal with something i should be able to fix on my own

i hate that its even a problem but that shit really fucked me up for a long time

i mostly internalize everything. though, having to deal with depression every day makes you a bit thicker to some of that stuff if you can figure out a way to handle it.

im old fashioned and she really caught me off guard by doing something like that. i never thought she would hurt me like that and that if we broke up it would be over a difference of ideals. i thought i was gonna marry her and so did everyone else and her family even loved me. i felt like everything was perfect and then she cheated on me and it all fell apart overnight

idk ive always been a one woman guy i wanted to settle down and just live a normal decent life and after that happened i just started hooking up with people and it really fucked up my head

idk i just dont wanna bring it back up

those old neurons are still firing

take a look at it from a physiological angle

gets a little easier to have your way with your brain when you do

i know <:feelsbadman:589929333074821140> shit just sucks man

it does, but if you get through it you'll have a lot of control over who and what you are

because i love my gf a lot and im constantly nervous its gonna happen again even though i know it wont

it's where most break