I was a percussionist years ago, and can play some guitar/balalaika, and some piano. But it is not enjoyable for me, nothing is. I have been like this for so long that I have to force myself to do nearly anything. Things I found enjoyable in my youth I now dread.

What's a balalaika?

@Biohazard6520 why is that, anything happen or you just in a rut

I just don't enjoy things anymore. I'm so mentally screwed up that I can't make myself enjoy anything. That may be from so many years of fighting with my mother, and her getting mad and saying things like "I don't deserve anything" or "I don't deserve happiness", stuff like that.

For as long as I remember if I enjoy something I ruin it for myself.

It's as if a voice in the back of my head is yelling at me telling me I do not deserve to be happy, or "how dare I enjoy something".

Living trapped in a hell inside my own head.

you should meditate on it, reflect on why you think like that, i belive everyone deserves to be happy my man even you

and if you ever having a bad day you can DM if you want

or just slap it in here and tag me

also try to change your way of thinking its very important to reflect on these things and ask your self why

Remember

Uselfulness CAN be changed

If you feel that you're not useful and do not know how to do anything right, you can change that, no matter what

No matter what person, it CAN be changed

The only factor is the person itself

Search for courses

You'll find something that you like

Need some advice

What state should I stay when I arrive in the US? I'm concerned about money. Need a cheap place to stay

Generally speaking the south is cheaper

Yeah, thought so

My biggest concerned Is how much money I should get to have a good start

Rent, car, food, internet, etc

South is definitely cheaper

Cost of living is lower, for one. Healthcare is better in the north.

Sounds good

A cheap place until I manage to enlist

My father lost his job

He's getting old

And probably will not be able to retire soon

We're never been close to each other, but I feel sorry for him

Just bored. Got no friends irl

You know what's a great way to spend a night? Sitting with my back against the wall and a bottle in one hand, a glass in the other. Somewhere along the line I fucked up and nothing has been right ever since. Maybe it won't ever be right. Something got messed up, but hey I tried my best right? 21 years I fought alone to earn what I had and now its crumbling down bit by bit. Dunno if I can, or if its worth salvaging. Just gonna finish this bottle and hit the sack for now

Continue fighting

If you really want, fight for it

I don't know when I'll be able to get to US, with who, how much money, and where

But one thing I know for sure is that I ain't getting nothing if I just sit my arse on the bed all the time

@Foxhound keep going, friend. I hate to see fellas like that

New mexico is cheap, low standard of liv8jg, plus open carry state, we actually have lqx gun laws out here