NPD, BPD, Sociopathy, Psychopathy

with the labels NPD and BPD containing some non-NPD/BPD people

who have a diffferent kind of hangup

I call it "low self esteem narcissism"

need a better name

well ultimately all these little "disorders" are just really simplified designations for complex thought/psychodynamic/behavior patterns

no, everything is simple

nothing is complicated in principle

this is just how people obscure things

by saying "its complicated"

I have an allergy to that

whatever cannot be reduced to something simple, is not understood

the fundamental thing about me is I feel chronically empty and unsatisfied and I am extremely angry over how shitty everyone and everything is to make me feel that way, an I bounce from thing to thing trying to find something not shitty

yeah that sounds like my second category

I've examined myself pretty thoroughly at this point

if there is a void in you

you can't fill it up, it's simply impossible

it will suck everything up

everything will be transient

good

the only real answer is to let go of stuff like that, rediscover vulnerability

basically, do exactly the opposite

everything else is just feeding the beast

I used to seek things to fill the void, but then I realized the struggle to fill it is a great impetus in my life, it is my engine

I do not really desire stability anymore

except in some key areas

and with key people

I have been doing psychiatry lately, I really like it a lot. I think I will try to specialize in it, especially working with the craziest people at their worst

I'm a little annoyed I gave you the benefit of the doubt for so long, but I still believe everything I said at the time

I am the sort of person who needs progressively more stimulus in life

and now at this point in my adult life I basically need people to be screaming and attacking each other and having withdrawal seizures and stuff just to feel alive at the end of the day

if every day is not a literal riot then I go home feeling empty

do you realize you're just getting worse?

am I? look at the direction of the world

you'll be a pathetic shell at like 50

by the time I am 50 we might see global starvation

talk to me

please

dont bounce off me

no I am serious

I understand it's a gamble, yes