also what you feel towards me is exactly what I feel towards accountt and yarfy, or at least I did before I improved

and not just damaged automatons benefiting themselves materially

you are essentially upset that you cannot connect with my motives or feel like I am close to you

to be honest I don't actually pity you in the sense that I feel an emotion

you feel as though I am "not letting you in"

and that bugs the shit out of you

I know you aren't, that much isn't a feeling

it doesn't bug me per se

yeah it does

what bugs me is whether there is anything inside

there's a whole world

yeah, but what's it worth

more than the real world

that's why it's in there locked away

let me contrast you to Ludvig

he is your exact opposite

ok

when I talk to Ludvig, there is some diffidence

and "not letting me in"

but its qualitatively different from what you are talking about

he himself is not aware of the things he doesn't "let me in"

other than that, he is completely true

a pure soul, you don't meet many of them

whatever problems or hangups he has in his life, he will overcome them at some level because of that

and: importantly

GROW

he has the capability of growth

whereas in your case, that possibility is immediately excluded

because there is a thick wall between you and truth/goodness/love/whatever

the collective consciousness of man

god

whatever you want to call it

not only can you not grow, you'll call whatever prevents you from growing a good thing

and maybe even see it as a good thing

now this is speculation, MAYBE there is a part of you that understands this in some weak fashion

actually you have a point

he overcomes challenges by change

in fact he seeks it

I overcome challenges by cleverness and stubbornly refusing to change

good catch

well you can reduce it to that, I meant more in a completely internal way