if I was in your shoes, I don't think I would care, I'd do a good job

other than that if they live or die

it makes no difference to me

good people or bad, black or white

however much we can do now, in absolute terms its very little

medicine on balance has only now become even something that actually helps

most medicine in the pre-modern era would have been dangerous

outside of a few techniques and procedures

it's simple

this is the thought I woke up to at 4am

so of course one could argue that, as we all die, everything we do here is just temporary playing around

the way I see it, the purpose of life is to prepare to meet God, to cultivate virtue

spending most of my waking time doing something that isn't part of that is therefore a huge problem

and some might say "yeah but you can discipline yourself to figure out how to cultivate virtue through any activity"

but I don't really see it that way anymore, I can't explain that clearly yet though

why isn't it virtue?

remember

what personal virtue am I developing through this?

think of souls

I am; of mine

not of worldly consequences

personal virtue, you're using a different meaning of virtue now

virtue as in good deed

no, earlier that is how I meant it

in any case

good deeds have a spiritual effect

I meant virtue in the sense of building up the self, your own personal soul, as a clean offering to God

and bad deeds too

both may not be apparent

the thing about that is

you are not the judge of curation of your soul beyond a limited extent

otherwise you could yourself decide

what is right and what is wrong

and do accordingly

at the very base, that IS what you have to do

you ultimately have to make a decision to follow some religion etc.

exactly

but other than that, it may not be apparent to you

why some things are good

and some things are bad

and the ability to decide anything is what this line of work has ripped away from me