Have you taken something

I have before. None of them helped.

what happened when you were seven?

I can't afford anything now.

I don't know what to say

@☯Ultra Supreme Elder Lord☯ Did you read the pastebin?

Lawnmower Day happened.

@Captain Lauri Törni There really isn't anything. I just need someone to help me kill myself.

Talk to someone

@☯Ultra Supreme Elder Lord☯ When I was six; my old man had moved out to Anniston to continue his trade (dealing cocaine) and during our bi-weekly visitation we had to stay in this trap house since it was where he lived. One time; during our summer's visitation where we'd be there for two weeks at a time and come home on the weekends, Edd and I were playing with the neighbor boy on their trampoline. (Edd was three at the time.) We had no supervision; because Old Man had more important things–at least, to him–going on. (Traveling every summer to Miami to resupply.) Well; Anthony (the neighbor kid) was my age and he was then told to mow the lawn. Now; I don't know how old you are, or where you’re from, but this kid had no business using a gas powered, self propelled lawnmower. Especially since his redneck parents had duct taped the kill switch down so that if the thing got away from him, it wouldn't quit since he wasn't strong enough to use the pull cord starter. I bounded off the trampoline and I had assumed Edd was right behind me. (He wasn't . He'd fallen down; and was struggling to get back up.)

That's when it happened. Fate struck. Right after I had gotten inside and turned the NES on; Susan–old man's fucktoy/pill connect at the time–came in, shouting at me how Edd was going to die and it was all my fault. The lawnmower had run over his leg, nearly cleaving his foot in two and severing his fourth toe completely from his right foot. So; we sped to RMC hospital in Anniston, with me, crying and squeezing his foot to keep him from bleeding out. Susan just dropped us off there; left us with no one telling me "This is all your fault; you fix it, his blood is on your hands." If it weren't for my eidetic memory and my knowledge of my Mother's family's information; he'd have just bled out since they have to contact a parent to admit a minor into care if they aren't brought in an ambulance. One could say; that I never left that hospital lobby. I've been plagued with constant suicidal ideation ever since then.

@Captain Lauri Törni Talking does nothing for me. The outpouring is endless.

It just flows and flows and flows and flows.

All consuming.

reading pastebin

What do you think I've been doing this entire time?

"since our old man is the worst of all people."

throw him the cheap gun and say "draw" then point a bb gun at him

@☯Ultra Supreme Elder Lord☯ Doesn't work that way.

Old Man isn't around anymore.

And of course. Cowardice.

You are the master of your fate, the Captain of your soul

@Captain Lauri Törni No, I'm not.

You do what you believe is right

@Captain Lauri Törni What I believe is right is that all life should die.

Do you get it yet?

Yes you are how can not be

There is no mastering fate. There is no captaining soul.

There is only Eternal Misery.

There is only punishment.

There is only the Voices.

Do you get it yet?

No talking ever helps. It all just makes me hate myself worse.

@Captain Lauri Törni Do. You. Get. It. Yet?

Yes

How I can not be is because the Voices rule all.

They see all. They hear all. They know all. They know what I think before I think it.

Then they scream, then the curse starts. Then the flashbacks start.

Then things get worse.

Then I fail again.

And the process repeats.

Suicide is my only option.