Discord ID: 463824295714357259
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Hey @everyone... I’m still around.
I had to take a break from the Internet for a few days to try and calm myself down a bit.
I’m still a mess, but I’m alright. For now.
I’ve received a lot of your messages expressing your concerns and support for me at this trying time, and I thank you for them.
But, I still need more time. Time to figure myself out, time to go seek help, time to figure out what I’m going to say to Tots to make up for what I did...
So, if anyone is still concerned over me, don’t worry. The suicidal thoughts have passed for now, but I need to confront my demons which drive me to that breaking point.
Until then, I probably won’t be as active online as I used to be. I’ll try to keep posting something regularly to let you all know I’m still ok, either on Twitter or Discord. But for the time being, my depression has me beat down and feeling like there’s no hope.
I don’t know when I’ll return to making content for my channel or joining any streams. Probably not for a while...
But to those of you who stick it out for me, I thank you for your support.
Update: Since my last posting, I have returned to see a therapist. Initially, she prescribed a non-medication treatment for my constant, looming depression, and hinted at a possible medicinal treatment for the underlying anxiety. However, my mentioning that the feelings of immobility and lack of motivation did seem to be quite troubling to her. Apart from a few questions regarding this and my adjustments at my new job, the entirety of the meeting seemed to be based around small talk and formalities, something I am rather displeased with.
In other news however, I had to remove my video from my channel due to the untimely arrival of my father, who is trying to virtue-signal and present himself as some sort of caring individual after he inexplicably found my video and caused a confrontation about it involving my mother and god-knows who else in my family. Evidently, the crux of this alarm was the misinterpretation that the entirety of that video was about me wanting to kill myself. In actuality, if I was serious about offing myself, I would have just done it and not even bothered with a video.
I merely expressed that I had a history of suicidal THOUGHTS and that night was no different due to the magnitude of the mistake I made. However, in order to alleviate family drama (something I try to keep as far away from my channel as humanly possible), I thought it best to just unlist the video entirely.
As for my current mood, it’s been fluctuating between moderately bad to fairly decent, to a constant state of rage and frustration at the fact that I am so fucked up in the head. I have tired to step out onto streams where I have been invited, however in most circumstances, I feel unmotivated to participate and anxious that my lack of participation may lead some to regard it as apathy or disdain for those involved in said streams.
To summarize, after my major flop with Tots, I’m afraid I’m going to act out of line again and lose even more friends to my mental condition.
Speaking of, no, I haven’t yet come to apologize to Tots, because I still haven’t been able to forgive myself for what I did to her and what was said thereafter. I’d honestly like to get myself fixed mentally before I go and try to mend our broken friendship.
As for YouTube. During my absence, I’ve been given a lot of down-time to think about various protects I would like to work on once I am ready to return. The anxiety of returning to content creation doesn’t seem anywhere near as daunting
Anyway, I’d like to thank everyone @here who read this far, and thank everyone who has expressed some sort of support for me during this trying time.
Thank you, and good night.
Tots and I are back on speaking terms.
Update: Today I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Trouble with school in addition to the continuously toxic enviroment which is living with my family have left me in a rather precarious situation where I felt as though I was undergoing a panic attack. Furthermore, my concentration skills have also dropped to an all-time low.
Desperate times called for desperate measures, so I purchased a bottle of memory and cognitive thinking enhancements (nothing too strong, merely the OTC shit litterally anyone can buy). I have since taken one and while I'm still unsure of it's effects so far on my mind, I'm trying to remain optimistic and not fall into the trap of my depression.
In order to circumvent the problem which is my parents, I am back to taking up a temporay residence with my grandmother, and have also slated an appointment with my shrink this coming week. Hopefully I can get back to feeling 100% again soon enough. Thank you all again for sticking by me, especially in times such as these which require attentiveness. I really do appreciate you guys, and hope to eventually be able to repay you all for it in this upcoming year with hopefully improved content which is more to your liking.
@Dick Daddy Foster I know of a mental breakdown. It was June 7, 2016. After sister's graduation ceremony, I decided to take little nap. When I wake up, my arm became numb, I though I was sleeping on it wrong. I went to the bathroom but I fell on the bathroom floor. Turns out I had a massive fucking stroke and 3 seizures. After a month's worth of hospitalization, I was back where I through, my parent's house, it gets better, a year before my mom passed away when I was in college. Anyway I broke up with my fiancee after 3 years because she was whore, I lost 99.9% of my friends and eveyday I was contemplating of suicide. The only thing that was holding the knife away from is the fact that I am the living male on my mom's side of my family and a cat who loved me like a small children and they father. To this day, the urge of talling my life is still courses through my veins like the gin that I am drinking while I write this. In The Killing Joke, The Joker says that everyone has a bad day. You and all of the people who read this, will find hope. Either your friends, family or even pets, we need to find some one to talk too.
14 total messages. Viewing 100 per page.