Message from @Literally Shaking

Discord ID: 419733476477108227


2018-03-01 23:54:23 UTC  

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2018-03-02 00:02:40 UTC  

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2018-03-02 05:00:40 UTC  

You burn the rice, you pay the price.
You burn the coal, you pay the toll.

2018-03-02 10:50:02 UTC  

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2018-03-02 10:50:14 UTC  

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2018-03-03 02:18:35 UTC  

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It

2018-03-03 02:18:36 UTC  

almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an

2018-03-03 02:18:37 UTC  

open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

2018-03-03 03:49:38 UTC  

Holy fuck I'm dead

2018-03-03 15:20:46 UTC  

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2018-03-03 17:22:31 UTC  
2018-03-03 19:49:08 UTC  

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2018-03-04 02:15:34 UTC  

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2018-03-04 05:50:54 UTC  

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2018-03-04 05:50:56 UTC  

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2018-03-04 05:50:57 UTC  

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2018-03-04 05:50:57 UTC  

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2018-03-04 05:50:58 UTC  

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2018-03-04 05:50:59 UTC  

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2018-03-04 05:50:59 UTC  

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2018-03-04 05:51:53 UTC  

@Literally Shaking Much obliged, famalamadingdongwhatigottadotogetitthroughtoyouimsuperhumaninnovativeandeverythingisayisrubberbouncingoffofmeandstickinglikegluetoyou

2018-03-04 06:12:23 UTC  

WOMAN CONTAINMENT CHAMBER

2018-03-04 06:12:24 UTC  

NOW

2018-03-04 06:12:29 UTC  

PUT THE THOT ROLE 2 USE

2018-03-04 07:13:34 UTC  

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2018-03-04 07:14:40 UTC  

Me 2

2018-03-04 14:12:49 UTC  

Ila Ilaha ill'llah Muhammadun rasulu allah

2018-03-04 16:14:32 UTC  

@Emily goddamit I thought the church militant were based

2018-03-04 17:02:19 UTC  

Churchmilitant.tv falsely attacks traditional Catholics for being in "schism" but has an official policy of refusing to criticize the leftist pope. They are a joke.

2018-03-04 17:17:50 UTC  

wauit how are trad caths in schism

2018-03-04 17:18:03 UTC  

do they mean with the pope

2018-03-04 17:48:14 UTC  

They're not in schism, neo-caths are just retarded and don't understand how canonical law works.

2018-03-04 22:53:13 UTC  

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2018-03-04 23:09:58 UTC  

🤔

2018-03-04 23:17:35 UTC  

We pop music now

2018-03-05 00:21:21 UTC  

West Virginia

2018-03-05 00:21:28 UTC  

Mountain momma

2018-03-05 00:21:38 UTC  

😪