it will suck everything up

everything will be transient

good

the only real answer is to let go of stuff like that, rediscover vulnerability

basically, do exactly the opposite

everything else is just feeding the beast

I used to seek things to fill the void, but then I realized the struggle to fill it is a great impetus in my life, it is my engine

I do not really desire stability anymore

except in some key areas

and with key people

I have been doing psychiatry lately, I really like it a lot. I think I will try to specialize in it, especially working with the craziest people at their worst

I'm a little annoyed I gave you the benefit of the doubt for so long, but I still believe everything I said at the time

I am the sort of person who needs progressively more stimulus in life

and now at this point in my adult life I basically need people to be screaming and attacking each other and having withdrawal seizures and stuff just to feel alive at the end of the day

if every day is not a literal riot then I go home feeling empty

do you realize you're just getting worse?

am I? look at the direction of the world

you'll be a pathetic shell at like 50

by the time I am 50 we might see global starvation

talk to me

please

dont bounce off me

no I am serious

I understand it's a gamble, yes

I could grow up to be 50 years old and in perfect health and everything being super boring

but I really do not see it that way

I think we are all likely to live through a world war, drone surveillance and some real dystopian stuff

as it is basically already starting now

so I do not see it as necessarily a bad thing that I am a person who needs progressive stimulation in life

that's your problem

and if it comes down to it, when I retire I want to draw comics

inability to see outside yourself

you obviously have some insight into your situation

in terms of mentality/psyche

and you realize its not okay

trebling down is not the answer, its not a solution, its the problem manifesting itself

the only way out is through exactly what you wouldn't even dream of doing

and probably would be afraid of

suicide?

no, no

self abnegation

it's not pain all the way down

the "medicine" for the pain

actually makes it worse

just shifts the misery to the end of life

or later in life, whenever, it's difficult to say

the real reason I want you to do the 24 hour exercize @Deleted User 57835c2c is to see whether you are actually a hollow person or if what I think is correct, that there's something in there that's good

what if I were a hollow person and good at the same time?

not possible

oh, but it really could be

I don't want to argue about it

I'm serious, I think that may be one of your unchecked premises

no, I've considered it pretty thoroughly, but our discussion will end up being a back and forth about good

I mean, so I may have a "personality disorder" or whatever you'd like to call it, but obviously it has pros and cons because I am still able to function at a quite high level

which will end, well

badly

function, I don't care about function

and I am unwilling to change it, at least at this current point

I don't care about personality disorders

I care about true things, and real people

that's good to me

so by definition, a hollow person cannot be good

at best they can be not-actively-bad

so wouldn't it be smartest for you to figure out how to just make it useful?

this word "useful"

I hate it

it's the opposite of what is true and good

well seriously, you could benefit from knowing me quite a bit

success in life, this is a meaningless thing without truth, beauty, the real things

real souls, real people, making real choices

also what you feel towards me is exactly what I feel towards accountt and yarfy, or at least I did before I improved

and not just damaged automatons benefiting themselves materially

you are essentially upset that you cannot connect with my motives or feel like I am close to you

to be honest I don't actually pity you in the sense that I feel an emotion

you feel as though I am "not letting you in"

and that bugs the shit out of you

I know you aren't, that much isn't a feeling

it doesn't bug me per se

yeah it does

what bugs me is whether there is anything inside

there's a whole world

yeah, but what's it worth

more than the real world

that's why it's in there locked away

let me contrast you to Ludvig

he is your exact opposite

ok

when I talk to Ludvig, there is some diffidence

and "not letting me in"

but its qualitatively different from what you are talking about

he himself is not aware of the things he doesn't "let me in"

other than that, he is completely true

a pure soul, you don't meet many of them

whatever problems or hangups he has in his life, he will overcome them at some level because of that

and: importantly

GROW

he has the capability of growth

whereas in your case, that possibility is immediately excluded

because there is a thick wall between you and truth/goodness/love/whatever

the collective consciousness of man